My life… driving around with the petrol light on for days, work, work, work, arriving just in the nick of time to pick up the kids – or embarrassingly late – then rushing home, desperately hoping there is something in the fridge to feed them that did not go out of date in 2016. Usually I will lose my keys and phone a few times and accidentally kick the cat in the process too, just to add to the fun. And who has time to go to the loo?
The other week I was lucky enough to be sent a recipe book through the post by a very kind individual who, for some reason, chose to remain nameless. The book is called ‘Natural Harvest – A collection of semen-based recipes’ by Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer.
At first, I was horrified.
But then I read on…
“Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients – you will love this cookbook!”
Well, I’m certainly not afraid to experiment with new ingredients, the problem is, I’m allergic to most of them. Eggs, milk, nuts, you name it. But would I come to a sticky end with these recipes?
So I started to flick through the rest of the book. A lot of it was hard to swallow. But I was intrigued by such exotic foods such as man-made oysters, creamy cum crepes and chocolate truffles with white centres.
And then an idea hit me. Maybe THIS was the ingredient needed to solve the binding issue of gluten-free bread?
I mean if you have a dairy and egg allergy, as I do, it is almost impossible to make gluten-free bread.
So I rolled up my sleeves and started experimenting…
Ingredients
325ml semi-skimmed man milk (plus extra for a glazing)
1 tsp white wine vinegar (maybe less if your sample above comes from someone with a high salt diet)
450g gluten-free brown (or white, we’re not prejudice) bread flour
½ tsp sea salt
2 tbsp caster sugar
7g dried yeast
The consumption of anabolic steroids is usually cycled i.e. there is a period where a man uses the flowing by abstinence then cycled again they reach their generic cialis buy http://deeprootsmag.org/2019/02/01/the-deep-roots-elite-half-hundred-of-2018-pt-2/ goal. It is normal for aged men to have healthier erections naturally without causing any side effect to your health then do not panic. online cialis Men experiencing poor erection on a frequent basis should immediately levitra properien get in touch with a doctor. However, make a note that act of cycling for more than 4 pills viagra canada hours. 3 tbsp olive oil
Method
1. Wash your hands. Thoroughly.
2. Preheat the oven to 200ºC/gas 6. Warm the man milk in a small pan over a low heat, then leave to cool slightly. Add the vinegar. Remember, if your sample comes from a chap with a high salt diet, or even a smoker, the whole spoonful may not be necessary. Then gradually stir your warm milky concoction until really nice and salty.
3. Combine the flour, salt, sugar and yeast in another bowl, then, using a wooden spoon, stir the dry ingredients into the wet mixture until it forms a sticky dough.
4. Add the olive oil, then bring it together with your hands into a ball, adding a little flour if it’s too sticky, which it inevitably will be.
5. Place onto a lightly oiled baking tray, cover with a damp tea towel, then leave to prove in a warm place for around 1 hour, or until doubled in size.
6. Once risen, place the tray in the hot oven and bake for around 35 minutes, or until golden and cooked through. Leave to cool slightly on a wire cooling rack, then slice and serve.
7. Delicious served with warm butter and jam.
Hope you enjoy the recipe and obviously happy April Fools 😉
I managed to have both my babies in the month of March so it is rather a busy – and expensive – month. Plus there are lots of other parties at the same time because our NCT group friends, nursery friends AND school friends all seem to have spring babies. Party time!
But for poor old parents, birthday parties can be a real headache. It is not like with a house party, where you have a larger ratio of adults to children. It consists of pass the parcel pressure (“has she had a turn yet?”), 20 fancy dress outfits, sugar rushes, tears, tantrums, bouncy castle punch-ups and never sitting down. All at a very high volume.
It’s suddenly dawned on me that I don’t have to be quite so organised on the food front. Family trips used to be planned like a military operation. Now, when we’re heading out, catering for everyone is a whole lot easier, especially when I’m on my own and don’t have the slightly fussy mini-coeliacs with me. This is definitely a good thing as it means more and more companies are catering for us tricky eaters.
There’s a bloke down my street dressed as Spider-Man. He’s been there for a week, gritting his teeth through the tail end of Storm Doris – weather that would test the toughest superhero, let alone one wearing holey Nikes. He’s also wearing a sandwich board, declaring that Domino’s has just opened in the next town.
Such news was of no use to me, a coeliac with ten years’ gluten-free living under her belt. Or so I thought. Still, feeling sentimental, and possibly a bit masochistic, I leafed through the leaflet to drool at some old friends. In particular, Domino’s Texas BBQ pizza, which got me through a rather miserable break up. The man in question had packed his bags after I’d ignored him for a fortnight then taken another chap to the world darts finals. Fair enough, really. So he took off and I took up with takeaways.
It may be a lot more mainstream, but things are still confusing on the free-from front. You can get mixed messages from labels, waiters, menus, online forums – even doctors.
And people have completely different interpretations of free from. For coeliacs, like my kids and me, we have to be strict and consider cross-contamination with everything we eat. Chips cooked in the same oil as battered fish, toasters, communal butter (I mean, who doesn’t stick the knife back in the tub when buttering their toast?). Continue reading
A crazy face to match my crazy symptoms.
I’ve been feeling a bit rubbish recently. Just absolutely exhausted. Definitely not my normal self… although I am not sure how normal that ever gets.
I’m waiting on immunology as everything is pointing towards another autoimmune disease. If you have one, you have an increased chance of getting another and I now have coeliac disease and likely psoriasis.
I remember going to a medical lecture and the presenter said if a patient had been to nearly every hospital department, then the problem was often all in their head. But how many departments is too many? Is 14 pushing it? My visits to hospital are increasing and my medical history ever-growing.
So far it includes: cardiology, ENT, hearing and balance clinic, physiotherapy, dietetics, gynaecology, urogynaecology and obstetrics, gastroenterology, colorectal, dermatology, immunology, radiology, physiology and endoscopy. Wowsers.
(Very holey gluten-free bread)
God I miss bread. I forget what it is actually like until I smell a freshly baked loaf or make a sandwich for my husband (the only non-tricky eater in the family). Buttering the slices is pure torture – it tries to seduce you with its soft, light texture.
I realise my standards have lowered somewhat. Pre-coeliac diagnosis, I wouldn’t have stood for a sandwich that was really dry. Now, I happily sit down to a cardboard sarnie that crumbles into 20 bits. OK, maybe not happily – but it has become the norm. At £3 a loaf, I’m not throwing it away. I know you can improve gluten-free bread by toasting it, but there’s no toaster at work so I’m stuck. Continue reading
When I was first diagnosed with coeliac disease ten years ago, I felt hungry. Hungry and a bit lonely. I’d never heard of this thing the gastro guy had just given me after staring into my stomach. It drew blank looks from family and friends too. Sealy-what?
Free-from food wasn’t getting the column inches or shelf space it is now. I was clueless. All I knew was it meant I couldn’t eat Pret a Manger cheese croissants every morning. So my life was over, basically.
When you’re first diagnosed with coeliac disease, as well as digesting the fact your diet has to change FOR EVER, the specialist also hits you with a lovely list of things you’re more at risk of, like:
Osteoporosis
Sure enough, I don’t have a brilliant bone density and, after a bone scan last year (Dem bones, dem bones), I’ve been advised to eat more cheese. Well, if you insist, doctor…
Anaemia
If you’re not sticking to a GF diet, you are not absorbing all sorts of goodies, such as iron. My levels were low when I was diagnosed.
Well, I’ve had a puzzling start to 2017, health-wise.
Following on from last year’s post-Christmas blog (Not your average Christmas bloat), this year has been better… in terms of my stomach. I’ve been continuously bloated but I’ve had no other major problems. No more than usual, anyway.
Instead, I have been having strange skin issues and allergy symptoms. I often get random hives (see the photo below), but they come, itch a bit, then usually go within a day. So apart from looking like a crazy lady grimacing, growling and scratching – I just cope with them. This time, they have been different.
Continue reading