The other week I was lucky enough to be sent a recipe book through the post by a very kind individual who, for some reason, chose to remain nameless. The book is called ‘Natural Harvest – A collection of semen-based recipes’ by Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer.
At first, I was horrified.
But then I read on…
“Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients – you will love this cookbook!”
Well, I’m certainly not afraid to experiment with new ingredients, the problem is, I’m allergic to most of them. Eggs, milk, nuts, you name it. But would I come to a sticky end with these recipes?
So I started to flick through the rest of the book. A lot of it was hard to swallow. But I was intrigued by such exotic foods such as man-made oysters, creamy cum crepes and chocolate truffles with white centres.
And then an idea hit me. Maybe THIS was the ingredient needed to solve the binding issue of gluten-free bread?
I mean if you have a dairy and egg allergy, as I do, it is almost impossible to make gluten-free bread.
So I rolled up my sleeves and started experimenting…
Ingredients
325ml semi-skimmed man milk (plus extra for a glazing)
1 tsp white wine vinegar (maybe less if your sample above comes from someone with a high salt diet)
450g gluten-free brown (or white, we’re not prejudice) bread flour
½ tsp sea salt
2 tbsp caster sugar
7g dried yeast
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Method
1. Wash your hands. Thoroughly.
2. Preheat the oven to 200ºC/gas 6. Warm the man milk in a small pan over a low heat, then leave to cool slightly. Add the vinegar. Remember, if your sample comes from a chap with a high salt diet, or even a smoker, the whole spoonful may not be necessary. Then gradually stir your warm milky concoction until really nice and salty.
3. Combine the flour, salt, sugar and yeast in another bowl, then, using a wooden spoon, stir the dry ingredients into the wet mixture until it forms a sticky dough.
4. Add the olive oil, then bring it together with your hands into a ball, adding a little flour if it’s too sticky, which it inevitably will be.
5. Place onto a lightly oiled baking tray, cover with a damp tea towel, then leave to prove in a warm place for around 1 hour, or until doubled in size.
6. Once risen, place the tray in the hot oven and bake for around 35 minutes, or until golden and cooked through. Leave to cool slightly on a wire cooling rack, then slice and serve.
7. Delicious served with warm butter and jam.
Hope you enjoy the recipe and obviously happy April Fools 😉