Despite being strong on the outside, I’m pathetically feeble on the inside. As was seen last week, when I was brought to my knees by a bit of toast.
I’m coeliac and was diagnosed a decade ago. Over the years, I’ve come to recognise the small window you have before your tiny, overpriced gluten-free loaf crumbles if you so much as look at it the wrong way. So I’ve learned to stash it in the freezer to keep any hope of a sandwich alive.
Needless to say, I have a badly managed freezer – a mish-mash of gluten and gluten-free goods, forgotten loaves, loose chips and six to eight dozen fish fingers. It’s a miracle I didn’t muck up earlier, really. And in my defence, the gluten nasty I mindlessly dug out (Warburton’s new Protein loaf) was small and odd-looking, just like the bread I’m used to.
Impressively, I managed to almost finish the second slice before I thought “something’s not right here”, and spat it out on my plate.
So two gluten slices scoffed. The equivalent of Superman sticking Kryptonite up his nose, putting on his finest, crisp Kryptonite pants and heading out for a night in Kryptonite Town. (Dramatic, me?)
The rest of the morning was spent waiting for the bomb to drop – and recalling an article Dr Chris Steele (of This Morning fame) wrote shortly after he’d been diagnosed with coeliac disease. He was starving and stuck on a train and the only thing around to eat was a gluten bread roll. He ate it and then actually shit himself. On a train.
Luckily I work from home, with an office next to a toilet. I’m also near the kitchen so I could down pints of water and mugs of mint tea in a futile effort to right the wrong. I even debated making myself sick, but figured the damage had been done.
I’ve been glutened before, obviously, but it was the first time I could waggle a finger at the culprit (me: idiot). And chart the results.
The bloating was to be expected. By the afternoon, it sounded like fireworks were hissing and exploding in my guts. But the worst thing I found that day was the brain fog. I had the concentration span of a four-year-old mainlining bubblegum slush. But, happily, I didn’t have the crazy face tingle that I have been troubled with in the past. (Death by chocolate (and crisps): How one mum went from coeliac disease to MS and back again)
I was still feeling the effects the following day – I could hardly keep my eyes open at my desk and was in bed asleep by 9pm. A toast comedown. Clearly my intestines had been shredded and I was absorbing nothing of any use from my food.
So, yes, I’ll be using my loaf more wisely in future. Possibly even sorting my freezer out. And THESE are the bready bits I’ll be sticking to. Let me know if you reckon there are better buns out there I should be spending all my money on…
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MY BREAD HEROES
Genius white loaf
The first white loaf that held it together as a normal sandwich and tasted like bread should. I went old-school and ate a load of it just with butter, I was that happy.
Bread rolls at Ed’s Diner
So good I had to ask the waiter “No, are you SURE they are gluten free? Really, really sure?”
Marks and Spencer Made Without Wheat seeded loaf
M&S has really upped its game on the GF front. I love its seeded loaf as toast.
Warburtons Newburn Bakehouse wraps
These are so good for a quick sandwich or as bases for easy little pizzas. Love.
Sainsbury’s Freefrom Soft White Rolls
These rolls actually remind me of the real thing. Make sure you buy them with a good best before date so they’re beautifully fresh.
By Kay Harrison – a coeliac in need of a 1:1 tutorial with Safer Eating about keeping her kitchen safe