Like the vast majority of women, I wish there were less of me.
My thinnest days are half a lifetime ago, when I danced around in high heels and fluffy bras on a diet of Smirnoff Ice and house music.
I’m neither fat nor thin, just gently wobbling in the middle somewhere.
Still, when I was diagnosed with coeliac disease, I figured I was BOUND to lose weight. I’d basically been handed a lifetime ban from Gregg’s. Plus, I’d be starved of greasy takeaways and ready access to beer and cheesecake.
Only it didn’t happen. I’ve put on a heap of weight since being diagnosed.
And here’s why a gluten-free diet isn’t the direct route to a teenie waist.
It’s all MINE
You’re the only one in the house eating the packets of free-from brownies/pecan pies/lemon muffins. Sure, you could share, but why would you want to do that?
To ‘represent’
I have just spent £3.25 on a packet of five GF Moroccan crackers from a local shop. They are essentially pimped-up Ryvita, minus the wheat. But the shop owner is trialling them so, by god, I must show willing and prove there is a market for people like me. Even if it bankrupts me and my waistline pays.
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Eight years on, friends and family still see my gluten-free status as a curious and novel thing. As if I’d converted to Buddhism, had a sex change or taken up water polo. Every time my mum visits, she brings a bag FULL of gluten-free puddings. Not just a carrier – a bag for life. Others bake home-made calorie-laden masterpieces with me in mind, so it would be rude not to eat the lion’s share.
Friends reunited
It’s thrilling to discover something you haven’t been able to eat in years. So you buy a dozen of them. It’s the reason I have 11 Genius pain au chocolates in my freezer, and one round my mouth. It doesn’t even matter if you didn’t actually like it pre-diagnosis. I eat pork pies and almond slices out of sheer gratitude. And despite actively disliking Udi’s apple toaster pastries, I continue to devour them, as it’s the closest I will ever get to a Pop Tart. You soon adjust to the taste of disappointment.
Count on calories
Newsflash: Gluten-free food still contains a whole load of calories. Even the boring stuff. Despite being the size of a coaster, slices of gf bread have more calories than the regular stuff.
Serves you right
I’m no longer restricted to salads when I eat out. More and more restaurants, cafes and pubs are getting clued up. There goes my dream of skipping around in a playsuit.
I could go on. But I have pain au chocolates that need eating.
Kay – 3 years ago being reunited with chips
By Kay Harrison, coeliac disease